Church Growth Magazine (Jan - Mar, 2001)

Parenting Principles for Preachers and Other Church Leaders by Truitt Adair

"Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged" (Colossians 3:21).

One preacher confessed, "Before I had children, I had a number of theories on child-rearing. Later, I had several children and quickly ran out of theories." C.W. (Abe) Lincoln, long-time instructor at Sunset International Bible Institute, used to say, "My kids would be better if they didn't have to associate with the brethren's kids."

Those in full-time ministry, like other parents, experience feelings or frustration or perhaps even desperation in their attempts to rear godly kids in an ungodly world. There are no sure-fire theories and kids don't come with guarantees. Much of what parents learn about child rearing comes "the hard way" and many, when the children are grown, have their share of "if I had it all to do over again" stories.

Where theories fail, perhaps some tried and true principles can help. The following are a few that Kay and I have learned in 37 years of marriage, having raised four children in ministry:

1. Let your children know that your marriage comes first.
Preacher, love your wife. Children learn marital skills by observing their parents. The greatest gin a father can give his children is to give his marriage the priority God requires. Just as loving Christ more than your wife makes you a better husband, so loving your mate more than your child makes you a better father. In scripture the admonition for husbands to "love your wife as Christ loves the church" (Ephesians 5:25) precedes and supercedes the command for fathers to "bring your children up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4).

2. Minister to the needs of your children.
Recognize that your children also have souls and spiritual needs. Spending time with your family is a vital part of your ministry. If you win the world and lose your kids, what have you accomplished? On the average, fathers spend only six minutes per day in conversation with their children. A preacher who only spends six minutes a day ministering to prospects and church members is likely to be fired.

You'll never see a father's tombstone epitaph that reads, "I wish I had spent more time at the office," but many fathers wish too late that they had spent more time with their children. Old Testament fathers were to impress the love of God on the hearts and minds of their children while sitting together at home, while traveling together, at bedtime, and at breakfast (Deut. 6:7). Their assignment required more than six minutes a day. So does ours!

3. Reject the preacher's kid double-standard.
Avoid holding your children to the P.K. (preacher's kid) standard while you hold the brethren and their kids to a different standard. The highest standard to which anyone can aspire is "Christian." Expect your children to be Christians, nothing more and nothing less. Avoid like the plague those dreaded words, "You can't do that because you are the preacher's kid." Help your family to be a "normal" Christian family and a real part of the congregation.

The more your family develops normal Christian relationships in the church, the less pronounced the “fish bowl" complex becomes and the more healthy and holistic their view of ministry can become. The jaundiced eye through which some grown-up children of preachers see ministry may be the result of constantly being measured by a faulty and impossible standard.

4. Choose your battles carefully.
Some things are more important than other things. Some issues and decisions are matters of “life and death" (Galatians 1:6-9) while others are matters of expedience or opinion (Romans 14:1-5). If you treat every decision and conflict with the same degree of inflexibility, your children will become confused and you will lose influence with them.

Learn when to dig your heels in and when to allow children more freedom. You can't die on every hill. Some aren't worth dying on. Save your strength, influence, and ammunition for the really important battles. This will be the greatest lesson in Christian priorities you can teach your children.

5. Be lavish with love and sparing with criticism.
Our Father in heaven has lavished his love, kindness, and grace on us (Ephesians 1:7-8). Children learn their first and often most lasting impressions of the Heavenly Father by observing their earthly father. Both permissiveness and hyper-criticism are parental extremes. However, surveys have demonstrated that even permissive parents generally have better results than those who are constantly critical.

Aim for a balanced approach, but if you must err, err on the side of love and grace. Speak often of your love for your children. Hug them. Kiss them. Let them know they are special to you and to God. Yes, discipline them, but do it as God does, out of great love for them (Heb. 12:5-6).

6. Never let your children drive a wedge in your marriage.
Kids learn quickly to play one parent against the other. Never allow your children to be disrespectful of their mother. Never talk down to your wife or speak disparagingly about her in the presence of the children (or in anyone else's presence for that matter!).

Support each other. Present a united front. If you disagree on a decision, meet privately and "fight it out," then make the decision unanimous with the children. Your children will learn respect for authority, family functionality, and good leadership skills in a united home.

7. Admit your own mistakes.
When you admit what your children already know, you win their heart and their respect. You also teach them the Biblical principle of 1 John 1:8-9 and Romans 3:23. Let them know that you aspire to being a good parent but sometimes you fail. Ask for their forgiveness, especially when your mistake has hurt them. Your honesty will make it easier for them to come to you with their struggles, hurts, and mistakes.


Truitt Adair is from Lubbock, Texas.
This article was published in Church Growth Magazine 16(January - March, 2001): 13 - 14.